Alola, PokeNerds! I hope you’re all free-wheeling with frightful glee like a Gengar caught in a tumbling Pumpkboo towards our beloved spooky season!
I know there’s been quite the controversy of late with regards to Game Freak‘s impending new release Pokemon Sword and Shield and change is always a strange and scary thing. (Not as scary as what’s under Mimikyu’s costume…)
However, here at Straight Outta Kanto we embrace all bizarre-ness and take every new addition or subtraction to the ever-changing Pokemon Universe in our chubby little lumbering stride!
While embarking upon one of my many 3am anxiety induced attacks of Marie Kondo-ism during the week, I stumbled upon an old PokeDex anthology from 2015 that sparked deep, deep joy.
The Deluxe Essential Handbook is filled with standard adorable pictures of all Gen 1 – 6 ‘mon and has some rather tame descriptions of them too. We’re all aware that the PokeDex entries across the board harbour some rather dark and devious “What Did I Just Read?”-isms.
It’s inevitable though that even in a watered-down children’s tie-in PokeDex book that if you’re going to describe a vast range of animals (to all intents and purposes) with large teeth, flammable abilities and a penchant for spitting acid at their peers – animal kingdom or no, you’re gonna get a disturbing taste of the reality of our sweet little Nintendo friends.
I could harp on about all the soul-sucking and nightmare inducing devious Poke-antics that the entire internet has already analysed to death – I love a good, juicy creepy PokeDex post, I do, but nay! I would like to highlight for you five of the PokeDex entries from the Deluxe Essential Handbook that, to be honest, made me question was I actually a human… Or am I a Pokemon!?
(5) SMOOCHUM’S POKEDEX ENTRY:
“Very active but a little clumsy , Smoochum falls down a lot when it runs. After falling, it seeks out a reflective surface so it can make sure it’s face isn’t smudged.”
In our ever more superficial world where insta-ready looks and an emphasis on a lack of basic life-skills/abilities dominate the internet and memes, I just found this PokeDex entry darkly hilarious and reminiscent of every 4am Saturday night out and eerily on trend with the “broken but beautiful” attitudes of the younger generation today.
(4) VIGOROTH’S POKEDEX ENTRY:
“Vigoroth just can’t sit still! If it spends too much time inactive, it gets stressed out and goes on a rampage. It doesn’t sleep very well.”
Is that not just anxiety personified? Tell me that’s not anxiety personified! With heightened screen addictions, FOMO, “Celebrity Culture” and an apocalyptic Climate Change problem our “leaders” seem determined to ignore, no wonder we’re anxious! Hang in there little Vigoroth! We believe in you!
(3) GLAMEOW’S POKEDEX ENTRY:
“When it’s feeling happy and friendly, Glameow purrs winningly and performs a lovely dance with its spiralling tail. When it’s in a bad mood however, the claws come out.”
This may be a PokeDex entry but it’s a spot-on description of today’s toxic “fair weather” friendships where there’s an “every man for himself” attitude of disposable selfish inter-personal relationships. And cats. This is also cats.
(2) PIPLUP’S POKEDEX ENTRY:
“Proud and stubborn, Piplup can be a challenge to train. It’s quite independent, preferring to take care of itself and find its own food.”
Us Millenials are a colony of hungry introverts. We are. Piplup is kawaii as feck and a quality water starter, but talk about a relatable PokeDex entry!
(1) TAILLOW’S POKEDEX ENTRY:
“Although Taillow is fierce and courageous in battle even against stronger foes, hunger or loneliness sometimes make it cry.”
I feel attacked.
Do you feel attacked?
So, while these may have been meant as nothing more than casual little side-notes to our happy little Pocket Monsters, if you look hard enough, there’s a cynical double-meaning to everything.
There we have it, nerdlings! Keep watching the skeys! I mean, skies!
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